Guilty

Guilty

When your body is rejecting life and you need others to help you with the daily tasks of life that used to be so easy for you, are now the times when you feel guilty. The moments of feeling guilty for what others must do for me, gives me no relief and saying “sorry” is now part of my daily routine. Sorry for what I cannot do that others must, sorry for not being able to be who I want, sorry for not being who you deserve.

me on my scooter
me on my scooter

Some people seem to think that since I don’t work and can do whatever I want all day, that my life is easy. First of all I want so badly to be able to work, to help out financially and I’m trying to get a job but it’s not easy when all you have to work with is a body that never does what you want. Second of all I don’t get to do what I want cause what I want are things my body can no longer do even if all I want to do is rest on the couch, I can no longer do it without help.

The feeling of guilt for not being able to do what you feel you should can be overwhelming at times, but guilt helps no one and only hurts you. Guilt is something I must live with and I must constantly remind myself that those who choose to be around me love me and will happily help me with what I need. That’s what love is.

my future husband, my uncle and I.
my future husband, my uncle and I.

5 Replies to “Guilty”

  1. Something that I remind myself of, every time I fall into the guilt-apology vortex: If the rolls were reversed, would I be annoyed at helping them? More often than not, the answer is no, I’d be happy to help someone I love. You might not be able to do all the things you wish you could, but you have SO much to give, and you provide in so many ways!

  2. Alicia I thoroughly enjoy reading your blog. It’s so honest and it’s clear that you have a gift for writing from your heart. I understand this guilt you feel for asking for help but as Sarah said above, you would most likely reciprocate. There are so many ways to show appreciation and be an inspiration for the one you love… from being supportive as a good listener to showing your inner strength in your day to day life. And as you stated so simply….that’s what love is.
    CS57.11

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